The Wrong Words at the Wrong Time

Oftentimes, we really step in it. 

Our unfiltered thoughts go straight from brain to tweet to Facebook post, onward to text and face to face. We grimace at our lack of following the cardinal rule: Think before you speak.

If I didn't do it so often, I'd find it hard to forgive and forget when someone blurts out their real feelings that might shine me in a negative light. 

Not only do I remember what my friend Shelly said that left me wondering: Geez, what do you REALLY think of me?; but I wince way more at what I recall saying to HER. There are types of people who kick themselves for things they said and did years ago. I'm one of them. We are closer than ever, probably because we know that anything we say to each other comes from a good place. 

Lately, I've been thoughtful by those who explain how some well-meaning words can come across. 

Kaye recently tweeted about people's reaction to a person who lost a child. Upon hearing the response "I can't imagine", she tweeted that it's like "nails on a chalkboard" to not only herself, but others in her same plight. 

Who knew?  

In true form, one's first response is defensive. We're responding with our truth: We can't imagine! Isn't it better than "I understand'? How can one complain about good people offering any solace, words of advice or compassion? 

She explained that the particular offer of sympathy, makes a person feel completely alone.

Not having walked in her shoes, I'm listening. Her words made me think of a slightly autistic teenager who talked about not being understood. "What's the point in talking about my problems, if no one understands?" she asked, noting that it only makes her feel even more alone. It began to click. 

Still, we have to be our authentic selves when responding to a person's turmoil or tragedy. Perhaps the best thing to say is that we're always here to listen. We want to help with our words, but if we really 'can't imagine', then anything we say perhaps might be triggering. 

A lot of people of color don't like to be called eloquent in most situations. The reasoning is that there is an element of surprise that a black person could speak so well. I haven't walked in a black person's shoes, so I completely believe the offensive nature. Who am I to dispute what they hear and feel?

Of course, a lot has to do with WHO is saying what and the tone they are using. 

I've had inane things spoken to me as a Jewish person. Certain stereotypes don't bother me, since they come from a place of ignorance rather than hate. But one man pushed it too far by telling me about 'impressive Jewish technology".

He had ordered a vacuum cleaner from Amazon that didn't work properly. Later he found a missing piece and all was fine. However, he still called Amazon and they sent him another vacuum and told him to keep the one he had. "Jewish technology" he announced, proudly. Listen, Bubba, that's not how it works. Jewish people don't cheat, steal and lie to get something for nothing any more than any other race or creed might.

A sweet woman who I worked with once said about a woman negotiating a price that she hates when people try to "Jew her down." Her face immediately exposed that she wished she could take that back. 

We are all victims of having hurtful words directed at us. One can be overweight and a well-meaning person will bring up a diet that worked for them. The offender might say, with their truth, what a pretty face they have. 

I recently saw my sexy, gorgeous single friend, just out of a workout from Hot Yoga and I asked her if there were any men in her life. I wish I could take that back. Like she doesn't have a full enough life with a grandbaby, the Tampa Bay Rays, keeping up a gorgeous home, being a steward to her two perfect little shih tzus and weekly visits from a loving son. 

There's people who ask women if they're pregnant (!) and they're not. There's family members who ask recently married couples: "So, when are you going to have a baby?"

Responding with 'none of your business' seems harsh, since so much are simply slips of the tongue. One has to differentiate between a person who wouldn't hurt a soul to those who are being snarky (or worse yet), passive aggressive.

I'm just recalling now all the times I heard as a single person that I was "set in my ways". I thought that was a good thing. I knew what I wanted by my age. I was told that men were far and few between. That they wanted 20 year old's. It hurt, but I knew they never meant anything by it.

The worst was when I was looking for my elderly, sick cat who slipped out through a hole in our screen. As I asked neighbor after neighbor if they had seen her, one replied: "I'm sure a racoon got her."

Wow.

Sometimes we won't ever understand the psyche of why a person is offended by our words. It could be a personal quirk. One man who is experiencing cancer hates the phrase: "You've got this!" I breathed a sigh of relief that I never said that to him. He also hated: "Hang in there." His friends and acquaintances were bewildered by the dismissive response they received. He explained that when people would say; "You've got this", he equated the word 'this' to cancer. You've got cancer. 

There's a saying: Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me. Maybe we have to let some words directed at us, roll off our backs. But, if we're told that what we're saying is offensive, don't question or argue with them about it. Let them know your sentiment was in the right place, but you hear them. We may not always understand, but there is no better feeling than knowing that we were heard.